Sunday, July 29, 2012

Stallion in the Night (Part Three)


ONE WEEK AFTER THAT

“Mia we have evaluated your situation, and we think it is best to get you back in the field as quickly as possible.” Mia sat across from the Grand Matriarch of the Sisterhood of the Travelling Witches.[1] It had been a week since some of the Sisterhood had plucked her by magic from her tumble to apparently-not-so-certain doom. “I have an assignment for you that I think will take your mind off this dreadful turn of events. We think that a Weather Witch in Wales has been up to no good – it has been sleeting in some parts for months with no end…” The Grand Matriarch trailed off when she noticed Mia’s blank, uninterested stare. “No you’re right. That’s just goat-shit boring isn’t it?[2] How about something a little more…high profile? Something that’s bound to get you noticed, perhaps line you up for a promotion?”

That caught Mia’s attention. She had been stuck investigating alliterative crap like the Weather Witch in Wales for years now. But that was not why Mia - witch and Paranormal Investigator (PI) - had joined the Sisterhood. Noticing the PI’s interest, the Grand Matriarch handed her a manila case file and began to brief her.

“There have been a series of mysterious slayings in the small Irish village of Gnéas Capall, and we suspect that there is paranormal activity involved.” She explained. “There have been eleven murders so far. Five of the victims appear to have been trampled to death, three had their throats ripped out, there were two cases of defenestration, and one victim died after being violently nuzzled.”

Mia’s interest was fully piqued now, and perhaps even a little aroused.

“Preliminary investigations have made it clear that a human did not commit the slaughters. If these occurrences are, in fact, supernatural, you know that it is Sisterhood’s job to deal with it quickly and discreetly, ensuring that no… normal… people find out. I trust that you will be able to handle the situation effectively.”

“You won’t be disappointed,” Mia reassured the Grand Matriarch, “I will get results”.

“I’m sure you will. And Mia, don’t be too hard on yourself, try to have some fun. Who knows, you might even find another special someone- a bare-chested highlander perhaps?” The Grand Matriarch gave a raunchy wink.

Mia paused, she had not really considered such matters as of yet, after all, Sophie had only been gone a week. But now, confronted by the Grand Matriarch’s wink – that had progressed to suggestive pelvic gyrations – Mia’s thoughts shifted to the aforementioned “matters”. Perhaps a handsome, bare-chested highlander was what she needed to take her mind off things, or at least, his eight inch cock.

“I’ll do my best,” Mia said sincerely.



[1] Like the Sisterhood of Travelling Pants, only different.
[2] Because we all know goat shit is more boring than bat shit.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Blogging Haven of Obedience: Chapter Two


Our prediction for chapter two is immediately defenestrated when the real heroine of the story is introduced- Natalie, a “tall, slim and typically cool English blonde.” It is clear Natalie is the main character, for at least we know her hair colour. Though what is meant by “typically cool English blonde” is so unclear, that even Google is confused.



 Showing everything from these...

To this.


Though, we can safely assume that she has big boobs.

In this chapter we learn that there is actually some form of story line, however superficial. We learn that Natalie is the best friend of Jan, she runs a successful magazine for high-powered business women, and is unlucky in love. However, despite what that previous sentence may make it sound like, the salad Natalie eats for dinner gets more of a description than she does. We also learn that our ‘heroine’ likes to sit in her own self-misery, pining after lost friends, drinking large quantities of wine and eating well described salad- presumably without cutlery. Jan on the other hand, is having a roaring social life as a submissive, with every night for two months being filled with orgy parties.

Natalie manages to squeeze in a meeting with her friend to eat some pasta we learn more about than the two of them combined. Natalie notices that Jan is “tense”, “strained”, “panic-stricken”, “strange” “completely different” and “looking really well”. One of these things doesn’t seem to match up. Nevertheless, Natalie demonstrates her ability to absorb only one sixth of her own thoughts and endeavours to discover Jan’s secret. We can only conclude that Natalie is a disturbed individual, because she wants to see the same changes in herself. Natalie pries from Jan that it all had something to do with her mysterious weekend away, and quickly wishes to learn more.

Jan remains elusive, not wishing to let Natalie know too much about this secret society, and finally admits that she simply isn’t allowed to tell Natalie, and that you can only learn about it through word-of-mouth. Natalie comes to the conclusion that it must be a business seminar and is secretive because it is for the “incredibly fit”. Clearly Natalie is not only a disturbed individual, but dangerously stupid.

“It’s a seminar in sex” Jan needs to tell her as bluntly and straightforwardly as possible, clearly beating around the bush would make her late for the orgy. Natalie is shocked, appalled and totally interested by the concept of a sex seminar. Natalie is shocked, appalled and totally interested by the fact that Jan is now a submissive. Natalie is shocked, appalled and totally interested by the fact that guests of The Haven are ‘punished’. Natalie also makes it clear that she “Isn’t naïve” and “couldn’t imagine any sexual situation where she wouldn’t be able to cope”. Either Natalie doesn’t understand the meaning of ‘naïve’, or desperately lacks an imagination. Right now, combine the below images into a sexual scenario:

Hooded Spandex Full Body Binder Sack

Houdini Locking Steel Cock Chastity

Prince's Wand

 Sexy Sadist Cock Ring

 "The Cannon"

 The Extreme Anal Spreader

 "The Plow"

 Zeus Electric Urethral Sound Kit

Can you begin to fathom a scenario you mightn’t be able to cope with? Do all possible scenarios end up with you in the ICU?

The two girls finish their meal and make their goodbyes, so engrossed in their conversation they don’t even pause to pay for their highly detailed pasta. The chapter ends with Natalie’s arousal at the idea of being dominated, and the readers feeling hungry for Italian.

New Vocab:
Delicious hot liquid pleasure: Semen?

Typos:
Ididn’t

Plot Holes:
The Haven is only advertised by word of mouth, but the guests are forbidden to talk about it.

Prediction for Chapter Three:
Natalie goes to The Haven, where she finds it difficult to cope and humiliating, yet strangely arousing.

We'd like to give a thank/damn you to Cracked.com for compiling not just one, but multiple lists of the most horrific sex toys that actually exist. Read about some here and here.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Blogging Haven of Obedience: Chapter One


You've devoured Fifty Shades. . . Now it's time to lose yourself in the Haven of Obedience”

Browsing the romance section in the local bookstore, specifically, the men in kilts section, something special caught our eye.

[Jab at the fact that the man is wearing jeans]

However, before we could begin a frantic, one-handed reading on be-kilted highlanders, we noticed another book. Another book that transfixed us with horror. You've devoured Fifty Shades. . . Now it's time to lose yourself in the Haven of Obedience” Here we were, a book using the Fifty Shades Trilogy as a sales pitch. Here we were, a book using BDSM Twilight Fan-Fiction as a sales pitch. We were instantly hooked.

This book took us on an adventure like no other, and we took upon ourselves the task –no, the duty- of sharing with the world the wonder that is Haven of Obedience. For those new to the genre of clit-lit, prepare to blush, prepare to swoon, and prepare to master the art of holding a book whilst masturbating furiously.

CHAPTER ONE
Generally books in this genre start off slow, introducing the characters and their troubled love lives. Haven of Obedience does away with such unnecessary features of ‘background’ and ‘character development’ and twelve lines in we already have submissive kneeling and voluptuous blondes. In between a mixture of tremors and “cruelly delayed climaxes” we learn that our young (and presumably sexy, yet sensitive) heroine, Jan, has taken a weekend away at a “select and secret” retreat. Within this one short weekend Jan was seemingly transformed from a successful, independent woman, into a submissive cum-slut. We, the readers, rejoice at her new found sexual freedom. You may also find yourself booking weekend seminars on all manner of subjects, in order to quickly transform your personality completely and become some form of superhuman.

 The secretive nature of the society is emphasised when Rob, the host, threatens the patrons with ostracism if they reveal it to the outside world. After clarifying what ostracism means, partly for the less intelligent patrons, but also for book’s target audience (who we can safely assume are not the brightest crayons in the box), Jan has a near heart attack. She could not possibly go back to her old (read: two days ago) life of consensual, respecting sex.

The threat of ostracism is not the worst trauma to face our young Jan, and her crush, Rob, makes it clear that they can not be together outside of the retreat. The reason for this is because, for him and the other ‘tutors’, the retreat “isn’t personal” but –and we quote “a job of work”. The statistically most common form of job.
Despite our mockery of “a job of work” this really does it for our Jan, and nipples harden left, right but not centre- because this isn’t Total Recall pervert.



Jan’s satisfaction is made all the more intense by the gentle caressing of her “v-lined, semi-fitted ribbed cardigan”. For a visual aid, imagine this, but with more nipple.


 After a brief daydream involving “intense orgasms”, “sweat-streaked flesh” and latex whips, Jan is wet enough to start her own car washing business, and we have reached the end of page two. Oh my.

During one particularly pleasurable punishment flashback, Jan is treated to the delight of burgeoning breasts and a swelling stomach. We are unsure of what this means sexually, but those sound like two symptoms of becoming pregnant. Oh my.

Jan then exchanges phone numbers with an “amazingly adept lover” and other sexy-beast patrons in order to arrange an eightsome(?), before departing for London. By this stage we have received detailed descriptions of Jan’s clothes, breasts, buttocks, and now soaking wet panties, and have reached the end of chapter one. The readers are left wondering what Jan’s face looks like.

New Vocab:
“Soft Centre of Her”- Vagina? Or perhaps the Clitoris?

Prediction for Chapter Two:
Jan organises her eightsome, but she is left wanting for more. Wanting for her Rob.

Disclaimer: To any members of the BDSM community, we would like to make it clear that we have nothing against BDSM, and do not mean to cause any offence against it. We DO, however, mean to insult, offend and shamelessly mock the idea of a “secret society” that takes regular businessmen and business women, and in the space of one weekend, enlightens them of the ‘true power of submission’, churning them out like some form of Soviet propaganda brainwashing camp.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Stallion in the Night (Part Two)

TWO WEEKS EARLIER

Sophie reached over and caressed Mia’s cheeks, her fingers like the delicate wings of a butterfly.”Not now Sophie,” Mia whispered reluctantly to her lesbian lover, “I’ve got to concentrate on this long, wet, moist [2] road.”

“You’ve been driving for hours,” sighed Sophie. “You need to relax a little. This assignment will be an easy one. Let yourself go for a moment.”

Mia tried to focus on the road, but the feel of Sophie’s hand brushing against her neck, then trailing down to graze her thigh made her giddy with anticipation. Sophie’s warm touch honed in and began a soothing, rhythmic motion- Mia bit her lip to draw her attention away. As Sophie’s pace increased, Mia’s breaths became short and sharp, her heart pounding in her chest. Sophie gave a devilishly cheeky grin and Mia couldn’t help but to laugh, “Oh, you are a naughty girl aren’t you!”

Mia let herself slip away, she had had a mixture of hard drugs before, but this was so much better. Sophie’s frantic strumming reverberated throughout her body, the bright colours of ecstasy danced in front of her eyes.
“Me haces mojada. Me muero de gana” she screamed in unadulterated pleasure.

“What language is that, baby?” Sophie panted.

Mia let out a blissful squeal, “I don’t even know!”

Too late, Mia realised that she had not been concentrating on the road for at least nine seconds. Painfully, she forced herself to open her eyes and look to the road, only to realise that not just the front window, but all the windows had fogged up from their heavy, passionate breathing. At that moment the car hit a bump in the road and they swerved out of control. Both Mia and Sophie were screaming now, and not out of pleasure. Mia tried hopelessly to regain control of the vehicle, but to no avail. They hit another bump, larger this time, and the car flipped dramatically. After what seemed like a lifetime of being tossed around – like Chinese noodles in a wok- the car came to a grating halt.

Mia released her pent-up breath, “Oh thank goodness! I’m alive! Sophie! Are you all right!? Sophie?” Panicking once more, Mia struggled to turn her head to see the passenger seat. It was empty, and the passenger door had been ripped from its hinges.

“SOPHIE?” Mia yelled with the hysteria reserved for all caps, “SOPHIE!? WHERE ARE YOU?”

She tore off her seat belt and pulled herself from the wreckage. She spun around in a frenzy trying to locate her lost lover. Still dizzy from the accident, it took her a moment to notice where they were. The car had come to a halt on the edge of a precipice, the passenger side hanging precariously over a deep ravine.

Mia stood there, momentarily frozen in breathless horror, before sprinting to the cliff’s edge. It took all her willpower, but she managed to lean over the abyss. If she had not already been in a breathless horror, what she saw would have taken her breath away. Sophie lay nestled below, caught in the branches of a small tree growing from the side of the cliff, a mighty gash upon her forehead menstruated blood.

“Oh God! Sophie! Don’t move! I’m coming to get you!” Mia cried out, and without a moments hesitation began the hazardous decent to her beloved Sophie. Below her, Sophie began to stir.

“Watch out! Don’t move Sophie! Don’t move!”

Regaining consciousness, Sophie quickly realised the gravity of her situation; or more precisely, the situation gravity could put her in. Trying not to look down, Sophie kept her eyes on her descending lover, sneaking the occasional look up her skirt and at her killer legs.

Mia clung desperately to the cliff-face, inching downwards with painstaking care. Her foot brushed a loose patch of rocks, and a scattering of pebbles tumbled into the ravine. Distant… ploppings were heard.

‘At least the water could break her fall’ Mia thought, her heart pounding furiously against her perky D-cups. She quickly dashed the notion from her mind; she would never let Sophie fall. As Mia searched for her next precarious foothold, the branch holding Sophie gave a portentous creak. She heard Sophie whimpering in terror.

Mia was scrabbling to find purchase on the treacherous surface when she felt her shoe begin to slip from her foot. Her heel crept out of the shoe millimetre by millimetre. Soon the millimetres became centimetres, and the centimetres became decimetres, but the decimetres did not become metres, for Mia’s foot was not that large, and so with that, the shoe fell. The nine-inch stiletto heel plummeted in a spiral of doom, the air around it whistling as it plunged like a blade of death – right into Sophie’s eye.

“Oh mother of fuuuuuuu-!” Sophie shrieked, horrified at the absurdity of her own demise.

“Poppycock!” Mia cussed, tears welling in her eyes as her beloved disappeared down the mighty ravine.

Plop!

Mia let out an anguished cry of grief, “No! Sophie! Nooooo!” She scrambled down the cliff, no longer caring for her own safety, all she wanted was to get down to Sophie. Sophie had landed in the water. There was still a chance she had survived. There was still hope. As Mia clambered down the rock face she noticed something, something distant, something small, but something. She could feel the slightest of vibrations coming from her handholds, as well as a far away wailing being carried by the wind.

It grew nearer.

Mia’s eyes widened with fright, as small rocks and stones were shaken from the cliff face. The wailing grew stronger. Angrier. Looking down into the ravine, Mia saw a mass of fur and teeth loom towards where Sophie had fallen. The noise became a deafening roar, and Mia had to hold on with all her might to not be shaken from the cliff face.

“What is this?” breathed Mia in horrified awe, straining her eyes to see what was below.

Bears. Thousands upon thousands of bears stampeding through the canyon. A literal sea of bears, all converging towards Sophie.

‘Could this be real?’ Mia asked herself, ‘Was it her and not Sophie that had plummeted down the abyss? Was there even an abyss at all? Was this some sort of coma-induced nightmare from the crash?’

Mia looked back down at the mass of bears careening through the canyon hundreds of feet below her. If this was a dream, could she die? If this was reality, was there any point of living without Sophie? Making a decision, Mia let herself fall backwards into the abyss.



[2] Yes, this is intended to be sexual.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Stallion in the Night (Part One)

Or, Writing your Friends into a Threesome

The horse reared up in front of her car- hooves a-flailing, nostrils a-flaring and mouth a-frothing. Mia let out a thin wordless Bella-esque cry of horror, and covered her face in fear. The stallion’s Aryan white coat glistened in the light of the super moon.[1] Groping tree branches enshrouded the horse in a moving sea of grotesque shadows.

“Pull yourself together, stupid lead female” Mia chided herself. “I’m the main character; I need to act more like a man in order to empower women. None of this emotional nonsense.”

After delivering herself a tight slap – the kind she thought every woman needed now and then – she flicked on her indicator and drove around the horse. The horse increased its flailing in a pathetic effort to recapture the horror of the moment, but it soon became a mere distant speck in Mia’s rear vision mirror.

She’d have to be braver than that to face the trials before her, Mia thought to herself. She’d need the courage, determination and strength not usually associated with her gentler sex in order to prevail. And prevail she would.

“Focus. Keep your eye on the prize. Remember why you’re here.” She breathed to herself. “Remember what happened last time you got distracted”. And with that, Mia’s mind floated to other places, places far in her past.



.[1] A full moon made cooler by the fact that it is the closest to Earth the moon can get.